I think I am going to steal Blue Bear back. I need him.

Onto more positive things…the boys staying here are HOT and I heard some speak English…oh and two checked me out.  Hmmm apparently this hostel is super rad or is planning on slipping roofies into my drinks tonight because they’re having a free BBQ AND Vodka shots…I’m suspicious, this must be some sort of trap?

Where is he and how much does he charge for 30 minutes worth of foot massages?

Escapism- escape: an inclination to retreat from unpleasant realities through diversion or fantasy [wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn]

“The Cycle of Escapism

Everyone feels the desire to escape. No matter how good you have it, there are times when, instead of dealing with problems, you’d rather pretend they don’t exist. We turn to bad habits because they allow us to forget. They give us a pleasurable sensation that pushes problems out of mind. The downfall of this solution is that it’s only temporary. The feeling wears off and the problems remain, often made worse by our indulgence. Once again faced with our problems, the natural reaction is to escape again.This is the cycle of escapism. We feel pain each time we face reality, so we use a bad habit to escape, which only increases our pain, making us more desperate to escape. Each time around it takes more sensation to escape, increasing our dependency on a bad habit. When you get caught in the whirlpool of escapism, it can feel impossible to get out.” [http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/overcoming-addiction-by-escaping-escapism/]

STOP IGNORING ME. I’M SORRY I’M NOT A VIDEO GAME. BUT I CAN ENTERTAIN YOU TOO. You can not escape me. Sorry! Not happening. This better not make you angry, don’t you dare get angry with me, I won’t deal with it. I’m not gonna listen to how video games help your stress because guess what? I love you and video games won’t solve your problems they’ll just numb you. If I wanted to be numb I’d get me some novacaine.

]]> http://framingfrustrations.wordpress.com/2009/07/01/i-hate-fallout/feed/ 0 framingfrustrations Your video game sucks. http://framingfrustrations.wordpress.com/2009/04/14/boys-will-be-boys/ http://framingfrustrations.wordpress.com/2009/04/14/boys-will-be-boys/#comments Tue, 14 Apr 2009 04:00:40 +0000 framingfrustrations http://framingfrustrations.wordpress.com/?p=49 ]]>  

Typical.

Ahhh D.B. He has a way of making the ladies either swoon or roll their eyes. In my case it was eye rolling and much later swooning. Anyways that’s not the point. The thing with him and I have been on and off lately. Probably because he has a girlfriend whose a slut. Sorry, but she BRAGS about giving guys blow jobs. Okay I lied, I’m not sorry….well maybe a little just because I don’t know what’s going on in her life and he’s an asshole. 

Basically long story made short: He admits that he likes me and that his friends and gf knew all along, I admit I like him, and he says he’s not 100%  free and nothing would come of it.

I move on. He comes back. I move on again. He’s still with his gf. He still comes back and tries to hit on me. I ignore him. He comments on all of my facebook comments. I ignore him. He tries to hit on my bestfriend. I ignore him. He ims me multiple times a month. I brush him off. His gf goes to France. He ims me. I moved on so I responded. He wants to hang out. I say yes. We set a time and date. I throw up less than 10 minutes later. I’m sleepy.

I feel like I failed in blogging. But I needed to write all of this down because I’m really sleepy and nervous. 

I am mentally drained. 

He is, “away from my computer now.” 

I need to sleep. 

He probably is sleeping.

I HATE THIS SO MUCH. 

But I need to get out of my bubble and socialize more before college.

Boys are so god damn nerve racking.

If only they knew.

I don't know what to do anymore.

But all I know is that the phrase of this weekend is: I don’t care. 
That’s seriously got to stop, shame on all of us for telling our loved ones such horrible words. I believe that phrase is more painful than saying, “I hate you.” Because in order to hate someone you’ve got to be wronged by them after loving them so much. But saying you don’t care is far worse, its like saying, “that’s not important.” News flash: ITS IMPORTANT if I’m talking to you about it, so you should care.  I’m not saying I’m Ms. Innocent, because I’m just as guilty. But almost all of the people that I’m close to have said this to me this weekend and I seriously can not understand how my tear ducts are not as dry as the Sahara Desert yet. My little hump of a nose is turning red around the edges, and the skin is peeling and dry due to excessive usage of tissues. I am not a happy camper. The world doesn’t revolve around me, I know, k thanx. Sometimes I wish that someone would listen to me babble on for hours and then when I’m done talking they would say, “Please go on.” For a hearing impaired person it seems like I want to make up for my lack of hearing by having others listen to what I have to say, times two.

I love my family and bffls to death. Thanks for listening to all those ridiculous 2 hour long conversations of me ranting and you giving my your in depth opinions. I care a lot. It’s important.

Solution: Camping.

Camping Fail.

Anyways…yeah anxiety…mostly during commercials. Idk…maybe the mind is numbed until you hit that lovely mute button. I hate those little goosebumps I get when I’m anxious…they really gotta stop, they don’t make the situation any better. Because then at that point I’m like CRAP I’m nervous and then I have to realize that I won’t go back to my old ways and get nervous about being nervous…but its tempting? I don’t think its so much tempting as it is hard to fight. Writing this isn’t really easy because right now I just have to deprive my senses but I’m not going to, at least not right now, my show is on…stupid anxiety, gets in the way of everything.

I was looking for a cute and quirky image to post and then I found the one below…oh god…more anxiety?

#1: talk about my triggers
#2: rant about my family
#3: work on focusing on the present

After the second session I was fed up. I was frustrated why my therapist wasn’t telling me to live in the present she just sat there, took notes, and listened. As soon as that thought hit me I was like, “Wait, I know what I have to do…” So yeah before session 3 I had begun to actually live my life. I felt so happy for a week straight nothing could bring me down. I even decided to see my therapist once every 2 weeks as opposed to once every week. Well of course my therapist was surprised and impressed but she didn’t think it’d last…I was determined to prove her wrong…she was kinda right. I left the office feeling like what if it doesn’t last?

Anyways, it was time for me to start acting out and stop hiding in my fears. Recently I decided to approach a boy I liked and of course things are all messy because he’s having an open relationship but we both know that we like each other. I’m having massive anxiety but I’m coping . I can’t believe I’m smiling. I’ve been hungry all day and tired because I dont’ want to eat too much otherwise if my anxiety gets worse I might vomit. 

Lastly, I’ve decided that I might not be doing sports durring the spring, because I’ve got an addiction to going to the gym. Its fun! Hahaha.

PS.

I’ve been re-reading this blog and I remembered one more thing! Ughhh there’s this STUPID boy whose trying to make me jealous and he’s failing miserably. He’s dating this girl (we’ll call her Lame) and Lame thinks she’s just oh so better than me now (we have a history, apparently we liked a different guy at the same time but she accused of stealing him even though he chose neither of us. She also took the liberty of showing me who my real friends were by telling them how evil I was and soon they turned their back on me). Anyways the point is She’s now dating this guy (his name shall be Jerk) and Jerk asked me out last year…he actually cornered me near the boys bathroom I was terrified a guy would come out and see me, I turned Jerk down because he was not my type at all. Of course Jerk had to be immature and take my rejection as a blow to the ego and now he hates me and is always trying to “get back” at me. So I guess he told Lame about me and Lame already hated me and now everytime they see me they try to act all happy and make out and hug. I even heard him telling her that I’m staring or I’m jealous or I’m pretending NOT to see them. UGH!!! I freaking SEE YOU, I GET IT, I DON’T CARE, I REJECTED YOU FOR A REASON! SHE DOESN’T MAKE ME JEALOUS, SHE’S NOT PRETTY, OR SMART, OR KIND. SO STOP GETTING IN MY WAY IN THE HALLWAYS AND LET ME WALK JEEZE! 

STUPID boy.

The worst part is: there is another box of pizza left.

Goodnight.

I’m pretty sure its because people like me would make obnoxiously large font that take up a page’s worth in all CAPS shouting: STOP SAYING IDEARS.

People! Get it through your thick skulls that IDEARS is in fact NOT A WORD, NOT FUNNY, NOT CLEVER, and most definitely NOT GOING TO BECOME A WORD.

Pronounce this word carefully: IDEA. It especially pisses me off when teachers say it, its stupid. You’re supposed to set an example and at LEAST seem educated…its not my fault if you thought that college was too hard and that you’ll just become a public school teacher.

IDEA! Damn it.

I’m leaning towards the anxiety. I’ve been nervous pretty much my whole life, which sucks. I’ve always worried about “what ifs” and being left “alone.” When I panic it is ALWAYS about the future and I tend to feel stuck, like I am completely powerless. I hate that feeling the most in the entire world, the feeling like you can’t control yourself. I guess I haven’t even begun to master my anxiety properly. I usually run to my older brother for words of wisdom and strength. But if I’m really really anxious I run to my mother. I hate telling my mother about them because she gets way too parental and I end up feeling suffocated causing me to push her help aside.

Lately, I’ve been anxious about small things that seem huge to me. Its so upsetting, there are people in the world who are in way worse predicaments but here I am thinking, “Oh my god what if…” which is usually followed my throwing up and having trouble sleeping. My current worries are about surviving in college with this horrible anxiety. I want to succeed and prove everyone wrong, but I feel like my anxiety is stronger than my determination some times.

Stupid boys and girls. I worry 24/7 about drama being caused with me in the middle. But now that I think about it…what’s the worst that can happen? Someone can hate me? Make up rumors? So what. But I guess the thing that scares me is what if someone takes it so personally and wants to fight me. God, I hope that will never happen.

So, now I’m forcing my self to bottle up all these emotions and anxieties. But I can’t stop getting anxious when I talk, think, or say anything about my anxieties or the source of them to others. I get anxious about being anxious. I over analyze EVERYTHING. How do you stop that? Its like a way of life…I’m so adapted to seeing the “deeper meaning” only maybe that “deeper meaning” is completely off. Maybe I’m just screwing myself over.

I need to see a psychologist. Because the deep breathing, stress, and vommiting don’t help. Trust me.