I don’t think I can figure out which one sucks more: listening to people who clearly hate you pretend that they’re your friends for about 3hrs straight or having a massive panic attack over stupid stuff.

I’m leaning towards the anxiety. I’ve been nervous pretty much my whole life, which sucks. I’ve always worried about “what ifs” and being left “alone.” When I panic it is ALWAYS about the future and I tend to feel stuck, like I am completely powerless. I hate that feeling the most in the entire world, the feeling like you can’t control yourself. I guess I haven’t even begun to master my anxiety properly. I usually run to my older brother for words of wisdom and strength. But if I’m really really anxious I run to my mother. I hate telling my mother about them because she gets way too parental and I end up feeling suffocated causing me to push her help aside.

Lately, I’ve been anxious about small things that seem huge to me. Its so upsetting, there are people in the world who are in way worse predicaments but here I am thinking, “Oh my god what if…” which is usually followed my throwing up and having trouble sleeping. My current worries are about surviving in college with this horrible anxiety. I want to succeed and prove everyone wrong, but I feel like my anxiety is stronger than my determination some times.

Stupid boys and girls. I worry 24/7 about drama being caused with me in the middle. But now that I think about it…what’s the worst that can happen? Someone can hate me? Make up rumors? So what. But I guess the thing that scares me is what if someone takes it so personally and wants to fight me. God, I hope that will never happen.

So, now I’m forcing my self to bottle up all these emotions and anxieties. But I can’t stop getting anxious when I talk, think, or say anything about my anxieties or the source of them to others. I get anxious about being anxious. I over analyze EVERYTHING. How do you stop that? Its like a way of life…I’m so adapted to seeing the “deeper meaning” only maybe that “deeper meaning” is completely off. Maybe I’m just screwing myself over.

I need to see a psychologist. Because the deep breathing, stress, and vommiting don’t help. Trust me.