Framing Frustrations

So, I’ve been observing when I get anxious more and more. It seems like I get anxious when I watch t.v. a lot. I mean I don’t want to stop watching t.v. just because I get anxious, I think that’s quite pathetic. People say that television numbs the mind…I beg to differ. Sure sometimes it takes my anxious ridden brain down a notch but most of the time my anxiety prevails…I’ve been working on that though…the point is I think about stuff while watching t.v. and even more so during commercials…this can’t be too healthy? I’ve been struggling to live in the moment, it really is not all that easy. Hold on my show is back on….
 
 I can’t believe they shot her at her own wedding…CSI, sorry. 

Anyways…yeah anxiety…mostly during commercials. Idk…maybe the mind is numbed until you hit that lovely mute button. I hate those little goosebumps I get when I’m anxious…they really gotta stop, they don’t make the situation any better. Because then at that point I’m like CRAP I’m nervous and then I have to realize that I won’t go back to my old ways and get nervous about being nervous…but its tempting? I don’t think its so much tempting as it is hard to fight. Writing this isn’t really easy because right now I just have to deprive my senses but I’m not going to, at least not right now, my show is on…stupid anxiety, gets in the way of everything.

I was looking for a cute and quirky image to post and then I found the one below…oh god…more anxiety?

I don’t think I can figure out which one sucks more: listening to people who clearly hate you pretend that they’re your friends for about 3hrs straight or having a massive panic attack over stupid stuff.

I’m leaning towards the anxiety. I’ve been nervous pretty much my whole life, which sucks. I’ve always worried about “what ifs” and being left “alone.” When I panic it is ALWAYS about the future and I tend to feel stuck, like I am completely powerless. I hate that feeling the most in the entire world, the feeling like you can’t control yourself. I guess I haven’t even begun to master my anxiety properly. I usually run to my older brother for words of wisdom and strength. But if I’m really really anxious I run to my mother. I hate telling my mother about them because she gets way too parental and I end up feeling suffocated causing me to push her help aside.

Lately, I’ve been anxious about small things that seem huge to me. Its so upsetting, there are people in the world who are in way worse predicaments but here I am thinking, “Oh my god what if…” which is usually followed my throwing up and having trouble sleeping. My current worries are about surviving in college with this horrible anxiety. I want to succeed and prove everyone wrong, but I feel like my anxiety is stronger than my determination some times.

Stupid boys and girls. I worry 24/7 about drama being caused with me in the middle. But now that I think about it…what’s the worst that can happen? Someone can hate me? Make up rumors? So what. But I guess the thing that scares me is what if someone takes it so personally and wants to fight me. God, I hope that will never happen.

So, now I’m forcing my self to bottle up all these emotions and anxieties. But I can’t stop getting anxious when I talk, think, or say anything about my anxieties or the source of them to others. I get anxious about being anxious. I over analyze EVERYTHING. How do you stop that? Its like a way of life…I’m so adapted to seeing the “deeper meaning” only maybe that “deeper meaning” is completely off. Maybe I’m just screwing myself over.

I need to see a psychologist. Because the deep breathing, stress, and vommiting don’t help. Trust me.